I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
