i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
