Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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