i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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