Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
In America we eat man semen.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
