I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
