I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
