you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
