2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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