I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
