It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
