After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
