Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
