I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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