I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
