i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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