I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
