u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
