Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
