I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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