Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Sorry about my life...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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