Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
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GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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