I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
