She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
