after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
