If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
