I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
