my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
