ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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