I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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