You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
