I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
