Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
