new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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