She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
