I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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