I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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