You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
