you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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