I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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