11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
