you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
