I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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