if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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