Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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