You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
