I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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