Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
