I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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