Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
