I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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