i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
