I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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