my shit smells like andre
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
