Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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