i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
