Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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