Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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