I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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