if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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