Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
