Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
People with herpes should wear stickers.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
