i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
