My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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